Bryan Zepp Jamieson
\nOctober 28th 2023
\nwww.zeppscommentaries.online<\/p>\n
Mike Johnson is our new speaker, 51, a Dominionist, a MAGAt, and an insurrectionist supporter. In short, nobody who should be within a thousand miles of American power.
\nI wasn\u2019t going to waste an essay on him for the simple reason that just about every person in this country who loves the Constitution is loudly warning everyone just what a danger this person is to our rights and freedoms.
\nBut then I came across this quote from Johnson: \u201cThis is not about the people themselves. I am a Bible-believing Christian. Someone asked me today in the media, they said, \u2018\u2026 People are curious. What does Mike Johnson think about any issue under the sun?\u2019 I said, well, go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it \u2013 that\u2019s my worldview. That\u2019s what I believe and so I make no apologies for it.\u201d
\nWell, OK, then. Game on.
\nCiting weird biblical beliefs is nothing new, of course. Nor is citing the hypocrisy of most bible pounders. The very first episode of West Wing had President Bartlett give a wonderful example of this when pressed to embrace biblical values for America by a pushy fundie.
\nBut it\u2019s always worth selecting a few choice things the bible mandates people believe that aren\u2019t exactly congruent with 21st century American values. So here\u2019s a list of things that Mike Johnson apparently professes to believe.
\nA man can force his wife to get an abortion if he believes she has been unfaithful. Numbers 5:11-31.
\nIt\u2019s even worse if a man is unfaithful to his wife: If a man cheateth on his wife, or vice versa, both the man and the woman must die. Leviticus 20:10. Helluva note: the poor wife gets smote, too. Or is it \u201cthe other woman.\u201d Who dies? Melania or Stormy? I wonder if Johnson wants to form a wife-smiting committee or just make it part of Health and Human Resources.
\nChurches can eliminate those handicap parking spots. People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God. Leviticus 21:17-18. I\u2019m sure that one mega-church pastor who has been whinging about handicap access can help Congress on that one. Have a law where if the tip of the nose fails to protrude more than 1.5 inches from the back of the nostrils, ain\u2019t no praying allowed for that freak of nature! God is pleased by lordly beaks. I think Johnson may be in trouble himself over that one.
\nAnother one that Johnson might find awkward is Leviticus 19:27: Don\u2019t cut your hair nor shave.
\nThe bible says If you find out a city worships a different god, destroy the city and kill all of its inhabitants, even the animals. Deuteronomy 13:12-16. OK, I can see killing all the cats, especially the black ones. Christianity has a long and storied history of killing cats, tossing them off towers and whatnot. That makes perfect sense. But the dogs, too?
\nPagan cities don\u2019t do well when it\u2019s the Israelites smiting them. The bible suggests ripping infants from their mothers\u2019 wombs and dashing their brains out against rocks. Hosea 13-16. Even though it calls fetuses \u201cinfants,\u201d the anti-abortion crowd don\u2019t like to cite that one. I think we can guess what Johnson thinks Israel should do to Gaza. And their little dogs, too!
\nThe blob squad like to run around claiming that \u2018libruls\u2019 want to abort babies after they\u2019re born.
\nAnyone who actually believes that has to be a little bit psychotic, but Johnson may have to make that a new law, it seems. \u201cIf in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters.” Leviticus 26:27-30. That one should produce some interesting debate in Congress. Do you have to eat ALL your sons and daughters, or just one per transgression? And is there a cut-off age where you don\u2019t have to eat them, but simply be stoned to death instead? Do kids with flat noses count?
\nWomen should be generally submissive and should be quiet, never teach or hold any authority over men. They should just be silent. 1 Timothy 2:12. OK, I\u2019m looking at Marjorie Taylor-Greene and Lauren Boebert, and I\u2019m thinking Johnson could make good use of this. I wonder if his first act will be to remove all female members of Congress and the Vice President?
\nWhile the bible does demand that all non-believers be put to death, there is a loophole. If you are lucky enough to have hemorrhoids and rats, get them bronzed and send them on in as an offering. Or as the bible says, \u201cFive gold tumors and five gold rats, according to the number of the Philistine rulers, because the same plague has struck both you and your rulers. Make models of the tumors and of the rats that are destroying the country, and give glory to Israel\u2019s god. Perhaps he will lift his hand from you and your gods and your land.\u201d 1 Samuel 6:4-5. I wonder if those are tax deductible. Mike? You\u2019re the God Squad guy. Whaddaya say?
\nThe NRA isn\u2019t going to be happy with Mike\u2019s godlaw. According to Exodus 22, you can only use lethal force to defend your home at night. Now, how can you have a happy and stable society if paranoid whacks with weapons of war can\u2019t blast away at any stray noise they hear outside their front door at 11am? Crime never sleeps, you know!
\nSo: this is the zealot creature who is now two bullets from the Oval Office.
\nSleep tight.<\/p>\n
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Bryan Zepp Jamieson October 28th 2023 www.zeppscommentaries.online Mike Johnson is our new speaker, 51, a Dominionist, a MAGAt, and an insurrectionist supporter. In short, nobody who should be within a thousand miles of American power. I wasn\u2019t going to waste an essay on him for the simple reason that just about every person in this … <\/p>\n