Meet Donald Dead, the 48th President — Captain Petard encounters Corporal Hoist

Meet Donald Dead, the 48th President

Captain Petard encounters Corporal Hoist

Bryan Zepp Jamieson

August 2nd, 2025

An acquaintance of mine, one married to endless conspiracy theories, does a pretty good job of keeping me up to date on what’s happening out on the further reaches of the human psyche. The West—not Putin—invaded the Ukraine because nearly all the world’s adrenochrome is made there. The evil Zelenskyy has entire factories filled with Russian infants to meet the world’s demand. Putin is a fine man who is working hard to save the world from the Illuminati. Hillary seeded the world’s truth-seekers with the false information that she was running a sex cabal in the basement of a pizza joint that had no basement in order to discredit them. The real pizza joint does have a basement!

You get the idea. Of course reasoned debate is out of the question, so mostly I just nod and look quizzically interested.

I can’t resist poking the bear a bit, though. He once surmised that my ancient Ford Explorer was actually made in Russia, and I said that this would explain why the “R” on my column transmission display was backwards. Here I thought Ford was just being clever and put “Reverse” in reverse. From the look on his face, I’m sure he snuck over very late that night and peered in to my drivers’ side dash to see if that was true or not. To this day, I have no idea why he thought Dora was made in the Soviet Union. Not going to ask: I don’t want to remind him I pulled a practical joke on him.

This morning, he was declaiming that Putin was our friend and meant us no harm. “What about the nuclear sabre rattling we’re hearing from Medvedev?” I asked. “Trump’s moving nuclear subs toward Russia now!”

He sighed. “Look, I know you’re a Democrat…”

“Independent”

He waved that away. Anyone who denies the obvious truth about chemtrails and claims the planets are millions of miles away is a Democrat. Stands to reason, dunnit?

“Let me tell you about this ‘Trump.’” I could hear the scare quotes.

“The man I voted for was six foot three and was in peak physical shape. The guy they replaced him with is short, fat, and stupid.”

I had to concede the point. The guy everyone is calling Donald Trump is, in fact, short, fat, and stupid.

But I had questions.

He went on to explain that he had photographic proof that Trump was shorter than Justin Trudeau or the Queen. Well, by the time they met, the Queen was very old and I doubt she cleared five feet in her tiara. I got a mental image of Trump as Danny DeVito wearing a Harpo Marx wig.

“The queen of the Neverlands” he clarified. Ah, well, a not disprovable statement, that.

“So what became of the Trump you, erm, voted for?”

This resulted in a long and detailed rant which both saved me the trouble of asking more questions and prevented me from asking more questions. It was a happy confluence of tactics.

It seems the real Trump, now probably dead, learned about the Illuminati’s secret plan to allow a cabal of the world’s richest and most elite to take over the United States and basically sell the whole country for parts and make slaves of all Americans. Being Trump, he resolved to stand against these evil, Zionist monsters and protect the lives of all Americans, the way he tried to in 2001, when he tried to prevent the attack on the Twin Towers, which he secretly owned.

After a while my dog tried to bite him and he took the hint and my dog (16 years old and twenty-five pounds) and I resumed our walk. Gave me time to ponder the latest samizdat from Alex Jones Land.

Trump spent years flogging the Epstein files as a conspiracy theory that he would reveal to a breathless world “on the first day” and we all know now how that came around to bite him on the ass. And of course the reason people believed Trump was 6’3 and weighed 225 pounds is because he has stridently insisted that he meets those particular dimensions. (Those happen to match Mohammad Ali in his prime, so there’s that.)

No matter how insistent Trump is on this point, and no matter how gullible his believers, the simple fact is that he is nowhere near 6’3” and probably hasn’t seen 225 pounds since his Wharton days. But rather than simply admit that Trump was fibbing about his height and weight (and it’s a normally harmless thing that a lot of people fib about) they decide that the real, honest and brave Donald Trump has been replaced by this shambling, foul, pathetic excuse.

Of all Robert A. Heinlein’s books, one of my favorites is “Double Star,” which tells the tale of a hack actor who is brought in secretly to be a stand-in double for an immensely popular and charismatic politician who has been badly injured in an assassination attempt. What makes it such a great read is that Heinlein richly detailed all the intricacies and pitfalls involved in such an impersonation, no matter how gifted the actor or how distinct the mannerisms of the politician.

The obvious logical question is how anyone could be fooled by the vast difference between the imaginary Donald Trump and the real one. The answer is that millions were fooled; they honestly believed that Trump was tall and athletic and brave and noble. So, now that the truth is impossible to ignore, they’ve decided the real Donald would never lie or deceive them; so he must have been taken down, even killed, for a variety of nefarious reasons.

If this one catches on, it could be very bad news indeed for Trump. It gives his millions of true believers an ‘out’ in which they can reconcile the difference between the ideal and the reality without having to admit they got scammed. And nobody is going to support that shoddy excuse of a replacement, are they?

It could be explosive, and utterly destroy this fake Trump. It’s a very dangerous notion.

But I have faith in you, my readers. You love Trump and wish him well, and so you won’t be passing along what is clearly a demented theory that nobody could possibly believe.

Right?

Fifty-to-One Odds and Ends — Did Bill Clinton give Harris the election?

Bryan Zepp Jamieson

August 22nd, 2024

Vivek Ramaswamy was on CNN yesterday bemoaning the fact that Kamala Harris was smearing seventy million GOP voters as ‘weird.’ Even CNN has to fact-check that, noting that Harris had called Trump and Vance weird, which they are. For that matter, Vivek Ramaswamy isn’t exactly a poster boy for normal himself, but moving on…

I spoke to a Trump supporter yesterday who ranted about how Democrats were taking adrenochrome from the bodies of dying babies to keep Biden and the rest young. I pointed out that Biden didn’t look particularly young, and he retorted that Biden would be dead if he wasn’t taking the stuff. Branes. Smart. Logically he runs circles around us all.

Now, adrenochrome actually does exist. Its a result of oxidized adrenaline; 3-hydroxy-1-methyl-2,3-dihydroindole-5,6-dione C9H9NO3). It doesn’t come from the blood of babies, Christian or otherwise.

And as far as prolonging life goes, it’s kinda the opposite: it’s rated extremely toxic, and if taken orally will make you very, very sick and in all likelihood kill you. It would explain why you never hear of Qanon types, who believe morals are something to be inflicted upon others, actually taking the stuff themselves. Ivermectin is safer, but drinking or injecting bleach and shining black lights up your ass are still bad ideas. Add adrenochrome to that list under “Evolution in Action.”

The adrenochrome conspiracy theory came from the bowels of the Qanon conspiracists, and it is nothing more than an update of the Blood Libel. They’ve updated the villains of the piece (elites, Democrats, international bankers) but they mean “Jews.” “Drinking the blood of Christian babies” sounded a bit medieval for their tastes, so they took a sinister-looking chemical name (and one not usually found in babies) and made it generic babies, and sat back and waited for the pogroms to resume.

Yes, Harris was calling Trump and Vance weird, and not Republican voters in general weird. But there’s a lot of them that fit that description. Not seventy million, but millions, at least. There are tens of millions of normal decent Republicans. They’re pretty easy to spot these days: they’re either already ‘never-Trumpers’ or they are openly expressing doubts about Trump and his policies.

Last night the Democratic convention finished its third night with the formal selection of Tim Walz as the vice presidential nominee. Coach Walz is almost ridiculously homespun middle American, straight out of Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon days. Last night may just be the night that Democrats took “real America” back from the Republicans. Only with the Republicans the down-home pose was a vulture capitalist trying to sound like a hillbilly, but with Walz, it’s the real deal. He really is the local coach, the guy who helps change your tires and pulls you out of a snow bank, the neighborhood “Good Sam.”

In the meantime, Trump was snarling to aides that he “hates all of them” – Harris, Walz, the Clintons, and Biden. Ann Coulter, who for some reason doesn’t live north of the wall in Game of Thrones, made a spectacularly pathetic effort to smear Walz’s kids, calling them ‘weird’ for crying with pride at the convention last night.

Even the entertainment showed the richness of the Democrats versus the paucity of the Republicans. “Rocking in the Free World”, a favorite of Walz’s, was played with the full blessing of Neil Young, who has stridently complained about Trump’s appropriation of the song. Stevie Wonder, John Legend, Sheila E and Maren Morris all brought the house down. Oprah spoke to loud cheers. Compare with the RNC, which had a couple of D-listers and played music over the vociferous objections and cease-and-desist orders from the creators of said music. Not just weird—sad.

But it was Bill Clinton, at 78 obviously not drinking many babies but still strident and clear, who came up with the most stunning stat of all, one that will outlive the warm glow of the convention and change the political and economic landscape of the campaign over the next ten weeks.

Donald Trump back about 15 years ago said “I don’t know why, but the economy always does better under the Democrats than it does the Republicans.” It was one of those extremely rare instances where he was describing an irrefutable fact accurately.

It’s true. Wages go up, production goes up, and for America’s plutocrats who have more money than they do common sense, yes, the markets go up as well. Everyone benefits under Democratic economic policies. It’s been that way since 1933. Even government spending is better—the last two presidents to produce a balanced budget were Lyndon Johnson and Bill Clinton. Over nine out of every ten dollars in the national debt come from Republican policies and misadventures.

There aren’t many politicians around who understand economic matters better than Bill Clinton. He is arguably the smartest president we’ve had—not the best judgment, perhaps, but definitely smart.

In his speech, he said he encountered a stat that he couldn’t believe. He had to double check it. He had to triple check it. He was absolutely stunned.

When he recited it, I was equally stunned. I’m nowhere near Clinton’s level of knowledge and expertise, but I read and I pay attention. This was something that floored me.

Clinton said, “Since the end of the Cold War in 1989, America has created about 51 million new jobs. I swear, I checked this three times; even I couldn’t believe it. What’s the score? Democrats 50, Republicans 1.”

Over 98% of all new jobs were created under Democratic administrations. That is extraordinary.

The Democrats have almost all the major issues on their side—abortion, individual freedom, reining in corporate greed, supporting the workers and the poor. But if they want to make serious inroads into the decaying support Republicans get, they need to recite this fact—50 out of 51 million jobs—over and over. Nothing demolishes the myth that Republicans are better for the economy more thoroughly than that one.

Tonight: Harris accepts the nomination. If the evening goes as well as the first three have, this election is hers to lose.

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