Satire is Dead – Trumped like a can of beans

August 18^th, 2020

Hours before the opening of the Democratic Convention, Trump tried to grab the headlines that he would be making a very, very important pardon the next day.

A lot of people thought he might pardon Julian Assange, if for no other reason than it would annoy American intelligence agencies. Even Trump couldn’t quite dare pardoning Snowden, who is more of a loose cannon. Now, my own opinion was the pardon couldn’t be all that important, since Hitler blew his brains out 75 years ago and even Trump wouldn’t be able to rehabilitate him. Granted, I was joking, but Trump, like most right wing whacks, will do ANYTHING if he thinks it might annoy a liberal. Honoring Hitler has a proven track record of annoying liberals. And since Trump is reduced to thinking anyone not in Qanon or the Nazi Party is a liberal, that’s a satisfyingly large audience to antagonize.

So today, he pardoned…Susan B. Anthony. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the pardon itself. The 19^th century suffragent was convicted under an unfair and unjust law, one that was struck down some 48 years later and 14 years after her death. She’s since been widely honored, becoming the first actual woman to be on a US coin.

But in the middle of a vast campaign to persuade voters that permitting mail-in voting would cause vast amounts of voter fraud and thus would justify disenfranchising millions of Americans, he just pardoned someone for committing the crime of … voter fraud. Yes, that’s right. Anthony was convicted and jailed for voting under false pretences, ie, pretending to be a male. A US male, if you will.

Trump had various loony toons from the anti-abortion movement with him as he signed the pardon. The no-choicers had decided, based on precious little evidence, that Anthony was anti-abortion. While she surely opposed the practice of forcing women to have abortions against their will, there’s no record of her opinion on the right of women to elect to have an abortion. Indeed, while abortion was fairly common place despite being sometimes illegal in some states, it wasn’t a big issue since the country wasn’t overrun with pseudo-religious nutjobs who mistook their own personal squeamishness for a natural law of the universe.

Some wondered if Trump was taking a shot of some sort at Michelle Obama. The former first lady had just decimated Trump in a speech at the DNC, declaring Trump “in over his head” and deadpanning, “It is what it is.” Trump was in an open fury the next morning, banging around on Twitter like a nervous cat in a box with exploding ladyfingers. If he was trying to show up Little Miss “It Is What It Is” he missed badly.

Having put that nasty little negress in her place (and I’m pleased to see my spell checker didn’t like that word), Trump went after Jacinda Ardern, another strong women who has humiliated Trump in the past (they are legion, you know). Having just finished eulogizing his brother for having the grace and courage not to be jealous of Donald’s superiority and brilliance, he attacked Ardern and New Zealand for having an outbreak of Covid-19. “The places they were using to hold up now they’re having a big surge … they were holding up names of countries and now they’re saying ‘whoops! Do you see what’s happening in New Zealand? They beat it, they beat it, it was like front-page news because they wanted to show me something.”

The “Big Surge” was nine new cases in one day. Under Trump’s leadership, the United States has more than nine new cases each and every second of every day. The second wave is arriving—there has been a surge of new cases throughout Europe (where the disease actually originated) and Asia. New Zealand had been doing extraordinarily well fighting the plague (the best, as opposed to Trump’s America, which has been the worst) but this is a pernicious disease.

Perhaps if Trump is really lucky, a child will die in New Zealand. Then he can use that to justify the ten thousand or so children in the US who are likely to die from his push to have the schools reopen.

Finally, just in case anyone is feeling a need to ironically mock the American leader, Trump yesterday teamed up with that con artist Mike Lindell, who shills pillows on the television to hawk the latest miracle cure for Covid-19: Oleander. The compound, called oleandrin, is toxic, and has no known efficacy against Covid-19. One expert wrote, “Oleandrin? Yeah that would definitely end up killing people,” tweeted David Juurlink, MD, PhD, of Sunnybrook Health Sciences Center in Toronto. Trump is pressing for the FDA to give it a handwave approval, desperate for a miracle cure before the election and willing to kill millions if need be to secure such.

I hereby urge Trump and everyone who supports him to take oleandrin and let us know how it works out. After all, it won’t kill all of them, and they should be prepared to risk their all for Donald.

And we can bury the unlucky ones in the same graveyard where we just buried satire.

December 15, 2018

Comeuppance – Trump deserves one; America needs one

December 14^th 2018

We’re at the point now where there is no longer any reasonable doubt that Trump committed dozens, perhaps hundreds of felonies in his sordid and tawdry life, and at least dozens following his decision to become President. At the very least, he turned his candidacy and presidency into a cash cow. At worst, he conspired against his own country with a hostile foreign power for personal gain.

Yes, I know: ‘Innocent until Proven Guilty.’ But he has admitted—even bragged about—a number of felonies he committed on Twitter. His personal lawyer and his campaign chair have pled guilty to felonies they committed at his behest. He is a liar. He is a thief. His presidency has been an utter disaster, one that has cost America, and Americans, dearly.

It’s the “much worse” items, the ones not already proven in a court of law, that should scare people. If he didn’t openly betray his country, he certainly betrayed the people who voted for him.

So what happens next?

Well, until the past couple of days, when the magnitude of the case against him became more evident, most Republicans and centrist Democrats were saying that impeachment was out of the question. I believed myself that until fear for their own futures outweighed their lust for power, Senate Republicans would never convict, no matter how compelling a case. It’s a sad state of affairs when most of the Senate is on the exact same level as the juries in those old Soviet show trials of the thirties.

It’s part and parcel of the Republican approach to the law in what is supposed to be a nation of laws. They are now openly contemptuous of the law—Orrin Hatch said yesterday that he simply didn’t care if Trump broke the law. He walked it back later, after discovering that the optics were bad, but you can be sure he still feels that way. Republicans sneer at the law, using it only as a device to attack Democrats and anyone else who doesn’t support them. We didn’t see those endless, fruitless investigations into the Clinton and Obama because Republicans loved and respected the law. They just wanted to use it as a cudgel if the found anything, and as a smear if they didn’t. Beyond that, they think the law is for suckers, for the little people.

We didn’t get to this point by accident. Nixon, who probably should have been hanged as a traitor, was dragged into the spotlight, accused of many lesser crimes, including perjury and obstruction of justice. The evidence was overwhelming, and he was forced to resign or be impeached. The nation breathed a sigh of relief. “Our long national nightmare has ended.” Remember that?

Then Ford pardoned him. Nixon would face no charges.

It was a body blow to American’s faith in the system. I remember that evening going to a coffee shop with a friend, and the waitress, who knew us as regulars, asked why we looked so down. “Ford just pardoned Nixon,” I replied. She snarled “Oh, goddammit” and threw the tray down. She ran out to the kitchen, and a few minutes later saw the manager walking her out, talking angrily to her. I was about to get up and defend her, tell the manager I said something that upset her and wanted to apologize but then saw the manager stop dead, stare at her, and as I approached, said, “Really? He did that?” He paused. “OK—clean that up, get back to work.”

It hurt America that that vicious dirtbag walk free.

Then George HW Bush did the same thing, issuing a raft of pardons at the end of his term, kicking the huge Iran-Contra case to splinters and letting many felons and traitors walk free. Instead of keeping his senile ass out of jail, Republicans felt free to talk about putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore, or replace FDR on the dime with their broken hero.

By that time, Republicans knew they were well above the law, but were free to abuse it to hurt others.

The people building the case against Trump know about Republican unearned privilege, too. That’s why a lot of the investigations have been taking place at the state level, where Trump’s power to pardon is annulled.

For Americans who haven’t drunk from the poisoned chalice of Republican entitlement, there is a sense of dread. Dread that Mueller, the Congress, and the other investigatory agencies might bring a damaged case that will let Trump and his minions off on a technicality (remember Ollie North?). The law-and-order crowd, who scream about people getting off on “technicalities” (such as police falsifying evidence, or browbeating simple minded victims into making false confessions) would just love it if Trump walked because a form was filed ten minutes after the deadline.

There remains the argument that a president shouldn’t be indicted. Trump named a ratfucker to the Supreme Court solely on the basis that said ratfucker believed presidents cannot be indicted, only impeached. Same ratfucker who fought for Jones vs. Clinton, upholding the right to sue a sitting president.

They dread that a trial might pull the country apart. A fair trial might; a biased trial certainly would.

They dread he’ll get a slap on the wrist. The sight of the near-treasonous Flynn walking while an abused 16 year old girl gets 51 years for killing her “owner” is a stark reminder of how fucked up justice is in the country, and how far the scales are biased in favor of rich white privilege.

And of course, they dread the pardon. Republicans have abused it to tear the soul out of the country, waitresses, soldiers, any honest person who wants an honest system. It’s possible that Pence will be indicted and convicted alongside Trump, since he’s tits deep in a lot of the emoluments violations, but will Pelosi, as president, have the resolve to allow justice to be done? Centrist Democrats are seen, with good reason, as being too accommodating and obliging to the fascist right, a party of Chamberlains who fail to grasp the nature of their adversaries.

This isn’t just a test of Trump and his sleazy criminal gang; it’s a test of the country, and the countries resolve to administer justice to the rich and powerful.

If they blow it again, that will be strike three.

November 22, 2012

Gobble, Gobble

Gobble, Gobble

The strange death of Peace

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson

November 22, 2012

How hard up is the right wing media in the wake of the collapse of their credibility in covering elections?

Matt Drudge, in his never ending search for anything to use against Barack Obama, had this as his top “below-the-fold” headline, a fairly prominent listing: “

Turkey pardoned by Obama euthanized…

If you follow the link, it takes you to the webpage for WPTV, an NBC affiliate in Florida. They, in turn, were running a story written by one Mike M. Ahlers, CNN Senior Producer. If he’s a Senior Producer for -the- CNN, then he’s obviously a very important man who has been assigned to the former White House Poultry Stage Props division. However, the NY Daily News has an expanded version of the same story under the byline of one “By Christine Roberts / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS” – a periodical that is something of a hen house.

The headline writer at WPTV is a bit more honest than Drudge, and so you learn right away that the turkey that was euthanized was not one of the ones Obama “pardoned” yesterday; it was one of the two he pardoned last year.

Our intrepid tom reporter, Mike learned of the mysterious death of the turkey named “Peace,” who was the “understudy” (tom reporter Mike’s word) for “Liberty” (yes, really. Liberty). How he learned this isn’t clear. Perhaps CNN has roving bands of interns whose job it is to track the fates of White House pets, mascots and props. Don’t laugh. Not in this economy. If someone is stupid enough to pay you to do something like that, you’ll do something like that. Children are starving in Indiana.

Tom reporter Mike spoke to an official.

Aha! Thinks the discerning reader. He went to the White House, and got something big. They don’t know where Obama was the night Peace died. Or maybe they’re trying to claim that the REAL Peace is on Rush Limbaugh’s Thanksgiving dinner table, and they murdered an innocent turkey with the same name in order to make Obama look bad! All we know for sure is that Peace was not in Gaza.

Tom reporter Mike spoke to an “official” at the Mount Vernon Estate, which is a turkey farm and not to be confused with the palatial abode of any dead white Presidents, although there is one on this particular turkey farm. Ben Franklin, who wanted the turkey to be the official bird of the United States, would have approved.

The “official” was a PR flak who was pretty clearly confounded that any reporter would bother asking about the death of any turkey at the turkey farm, even a turkey that has met Obama.

“Rebecca Aloisi, vice president for marketing at the Mount Vernon Estate, confirmed that Peace had been dead after a weekend ‘illness.’ But Aloisi knew neither the nature of the illness, the manner of death, nor what had been done with the remains of the large, edible bird,” wrote tom reporter Mike.

That “edible” is key to understanding tom reporter Mike’s thinking. There’s a scandal here, he’s thinking. Someone, possibly Obama himself, defied the presidential pardon and ate Peace.

There’s a lot of things that can kill a turkey that would make the bird inedible. If you take a turkey carcass, dress it out, and hang it up in a butcher shop with a big sign reading “Died of Natural Causes,” chances are good it will still be hanging there on Black Friday. Or maybe not; this is America, where tens of millions of people on food stamps try to live on $3/day for food, and it’s fairly late in the month. A lot of Americans are eating roadkill at this point, and won’t be too fussy about a turkey that doesn’t look like it died of AIDS.

Tom reporter Mike found it vaguely sinister that Rebecca Aloisi didn’t know exactly how Peace was put to death, or what became of his carcass. She noted that they had about 500 acres of turkeys, plus George Washington’s old home, which suggests that she probably wasn’t on a first name basis with many of them. But she was probably wondering just what this crazy reporter wanted from her, which by itself would confuse nearly anyone.

Tom reporter Mike ends his story on an ominous note, which doubtlessly is why Drudge elected to make it one of the top news stories of the day.

He wrote, “But now Peace is dead. And two new birds pardoned by President Obama will be put on public display until early January, and will then be retired to live out the rest of their natural lives, spared the feast. If that’s what you choose to believe.”

My gawd, is there no bottom to the evil depravity of Barack Obama? Did he, in fact, slip into the turkey farm in the dead of night, slit Peace’s throat, and bring him home as a Thanksgiving treat for Bo?

Or might it just have something to do with the fact that few domestic turkeys, particularly the poor morbidly obese and unexercised creatures that are shoveled, by the hundreds of millions, into the gaping maw of Thanksgiving, live more than a year? They can’t fly, they can barely walk, and most of them are stuffed full of hormones designed to raise water retention, the anti-Lasix for the poultry set so people can enjoy tender and juicy meat. They don’t get much in the way of life expectancy.

Now, the right wing has been real testy over the whole thing about politicians and Thanksgiving turkeys, ever since Sarah Palin let herself be filmed for an interview in front of a scene of turkeys being slaughtered. They desperately need a turkeygate of their own, and have been probably pushing the media for a taint of tryptophan trespass.

Maybe there is something dark, sinister and possibly even relevant to this story of the strange death of Peace. Maybe Obama looked at one of the birds he ‘pardoned’ and chuckled and whispered, “I’ll be seeing you again at Christmas Dinner or Eid al Fitr or whatever it is us socialist Moslems celebrate.”

Maybe Mike M. Ahlers, CNN Senior Producer, did find a real story, and this will reestablish CNN as one of the most reliable and important news sources in the world.

If that’s what you choose to believe.

Peace, turkey pardoned by President Obama last Thanksgiving, euthanized

Officials insist timing of death not suspicious

turkey_2_20121122055040_JPG

A turkey pardoned by President Obama last year was euthanized Monday, and officials are insisting the timing of the death — days before the Thanksgiving holiday — is not suspicious.
Copyright Getty Images

Posted: 5:52 AM
Last Updated: 6 hours and 11 minutes ago

By: Mike M. Ahlers, CNN Senior Producer

Washington — Peace, one of two turkeys pardoned by President Obama last year, was euthanized Monday, according to an official who insisted the timing of the death – days before the Thanksgiving holiday – was not suspicious.

Rebecca Aloisi, vice president for marketing at the Mount Vernon Estate, confirmed that Peace had been dead after a weekend “illness.” But Aloise knew neither the nature of the illness, the manner of death, nor what had been done with the remains of the large, edible bird.

“I appreciate where you’re going with this,” Aloisi told CNN. “But I assure you that these birds are extremely well cared for.” The decision to euthanize the bird was made by a veterinarian in consultation with Mount Vernon’s livestock department, she said.

Peace had served as the understudy for Liberty, another turkey, at the 2011 pardoning ceremony by President Obama. Obama chose to pardon both birds to spare them from the fate of the plate.

But pressed on details about Peace’s death, and what was done with the carcass, Aloisi deferred. “Honestly, I work in marketing,” she said, defensively. “We have a 500-acre facility.”

The facility – historic home of President George Washington – includes a landmark mansion, farm, wharf and the Mount Vernon Inn.

Asked if the inn serves turkey, Aloisi hedged. “That’s a good question. I assume so,” she said.

The inn, in fact, boasts of “costumed servers” who serve “delicious regional and colonial cuisine” including a “Roast Turkey Dinner” for $17.50, according to the inn’s web site.

Aloisi said turkeys have short lifespans, especially those bred for eating. The timing of the death was “curious,” Aloisi allowed, but not suspicious.

“I know that it was done in a humane manner but I don’t know the mechanics,” she said.

Mount Vernon anticipates receiving more turkeys following this year’s pardoning ceremony. “We were very prepared to have all four birds live here,” Aloisi said.

At the Nov. 23, 2011, pardoning, President Obama said Peace was “going to retire to a life of leisure at Mount Vernon – the same place where George Washington spent his golden years.”

But now Peace is dead.

And two new birds pardoned by President Obama will be put on public display until early January, and will then be retired to live out the rest of their natural lives, spared the feast.